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Who among as at some point has not felt ‘offended’? Someone says something rude to us, something to belittle us or make fun of the way we look – or does something just to make themselves feel superior by making us feel inferior. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Think of the people in your life who must always be correct, have the last word, or elevate themselves by being seen as the wise teacher (even though everybody else just thinks they’re a fill-in-the-blank!).
Recently someone did this with me – it wasn’t as much what they were saying as much as it was something I felt they were projecting – giving me ‘credit’ (of sorts) for thinking something I wasn’t even thinking. And so the more I thought about what I wasn’t thinking about…well, the more offensive to me it became. And as this person has been a friend for some time, there was ample baggage I could heap on the issue. I wanted to tell this person, as a roommate of mine in college used to say, ‘Hey, don’t throw your muck in my backyard!’ I wanted to say ‘deal with your own stuff but leave me out of it.’
Subsequently, I was offended. Royally offended!
But then I began to own something someone told me a long time ago when they said, “Nobody can offend you; you can choose to take offense, but they cannot offend you.”
In a lot of ways, that is a good reminder. It jibes with many of the teachings of Jesus that would enable us to even consider responding to our enemy by ‘turning the other cheek’ or ‘carrying their load’ or perhaps going beyond the call of duty in not just giving someone the shirt off our back, but in ‘giving them our coat’ too.
At play in all of this is the egoic self versus the true one. The ego always tries to separate us, to make us strive for equality if not superiority. And any challenge to what we say, do or think is often internalized and, well, taken personally.
When our children were young and one of them would come crying because they were called a name, we always used to ask them: If someone called you purple would that make you purple? This usually brought a smile to their faces pretty quickly. And so it was, as I contemplated what I felt had been done to me, it also (slowly… v-e-r-y slowly) began to put a smile on my face as well.
I had to pause and ask myself what it was within me that would cause me to take offense? I had to ask why I would give someone such power over me – I mean, I disagreed with their version of who I am and what I was ‘really’ getting at, so why not just drop it and move on?
The ego (and I’m using this in the sense of a false, versus true, self) is most often in protect-and-defend mode and resentful of anything slightly resembling a personal attack upon our thinking, our actions or intentions… so much so that should we ever find ourselves having the power and being faced with a dare, our egoic-self just might turn rocks into bread or jump from the highest part of the Temple just to prove our point.
All of this makes me even more in awe of Jesus and the way he carried himself in the midst of what was, perhaps more times than not, a hostile environment. He didn’t often take ‘personal offense.’ Why should he give power to others when he rightly realized the One who had ultimate power?
So, have you been offended lately? If so, why did you choose to take offense? Or better yet, if we have chosen to take offense, can we see the peace that would come from choosing to revoke that choice?
That is a power from on high.
16 comments to “Can We Be Offended?”
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Do you think that there is a difference between taking offense and feeling sad/angry when someone says or does something?
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I think maybe “offense” has to do with lawbreaking – even if that law is just a personal standard. A person would be “offended” then, if someone weren’t upholding their standards. I’m sure that could bring about feelings of anger or sadness and that intentionally hanging on to those feelings might take mentally maintaining the offense. (Suddenly I’m thinking of football and egoic living, lol)
I think too that a person could feel angry or sad when someone says or does something, even if that something has nothing to do with any law or standard.
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I in no way am intending to project my thoughts on “offense” onto your words in your blog. You could mean something else entirely with the word choice – just want to acknowledge that openly.
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So let me see if I’ve gotten this correct: My saying that the Browns are going to kick your Steelers’ butt’s, would be offensive? Ha! You brought up football so I couldn’t resist! We did split with you last year, but I’m thinking we’re gonna get you BOTH times this year.
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You can’t stop cryin’ about that, can you?
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Me? Crying? That’s offensive!
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i wrote a similar post recently after a news report ran talking about the Comedy Central cartoon about Jesus that is in development. my post is entitled Thin Skin… http://outsidethewalls.wordpress.com/2010/06/02/thin-skin/
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Tim,
I do believe we choose to accept offences. Yet, I do believe that what offences I have chosen have revealed something lacking in me. I believe that when we choose to take offence, we should be real and honest about it.
However, I believe in Love that records no wrong. I place where I don’t have to forgive you, because I don’t consciously choose to take offence. This concept is called “Beyond forgiveness”. I believe that Peace is so important to me that I choose not to accept the offence. This is a very detailed process I am learning. -
When someone has tried to “offend” me I tell myself, and maybe them, “That doesn’t belong to me.” Passing that info. to my grandchildren may help them let go of “offensive words.” When one of them tell me, “But MeMaw he said…..” I tell them, “That’s right, he said, you didn’t say it; it belongs to his mind and it has nothing to do with you or your thoughts. Leave it in his mind and let yours be free.” Hopefully it will help them.
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Our busy and “scattered” family meets on Sunday mornings for reading and thought-provoking discussions, and this essay was today’s reading. The application of Jesus’ temptation to the tension between ‘egoic self” and ‘true self’ was very insightful. The point of the story is not, “This is how the one-and-only Son of God dealt with the one-an-only devil.” Jesus, fully human, demonstrates how people can choose to respond from their divine natures and avoid “protect and defend” reactions so common to us all.
The question Annie posed caused the biggest discussion for us. My wife holds a very “high” standard with regard to women’s dress–you could call even call it a “law.” However, the daughters have chosen different standards, causing great sadness and maybe even offense on the part of my wife. This, in turn, has resulted in some degree of rejection of their mother on the part of the daughters.
My wife believes she’s upholding standards of modesty that are God’s and that have been practiced by most cultures for most of human history. She says she has not rejected her daughters; she only wants God’s blessings for her daughters, and believes those blessings are connected with honoring their mother and the training she has given them.
I think it’s safe to say the daughters have felt some rejection from their mother and have responded in kind, distancing themselves from her.
There is no question that my wife will not be changing her standards soon–in fact, she’ll take them with her to the grave. She appears to be unable to control the sadness she feels when seeing my daughters. In order to have some place of refuge, she has requested certain standards be followed when the daughters visit our home.
I’d be interested in ideas about how to frame this issue in light of the concepts of this essay.
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Bill,
I could be wrong, but I am sensing that this is hard for you. How are you feeling? How do you deal with it?
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Annie and Tim, I am blessed by both your concern and your comments. I find myself torn between wanting to support my wife in her “convictions” and in her pain that her children don’t share those convictions (and is it not natural that we want our children to “turn out right”?) while at the same time wanting her to be free of the need to “have it her way.” However, she’s so convinced that the world has turned for the worse in the area of modesty that she believes she’s born to carry this burden and to be a watchman on the wall, so to speak.
I remind her the weeping prophet and other prophets had a key roll in the redemptive plan, which has been consummated, but she still carries the burden. I will share Tim’s comments with her as a voice that is more distanced from my own, since in a way, she sees me has having failed to “hold the standard.”
Again, thanks for the forum and the personal connection.
Yes Tim we [I] like offences because they gives us the excuse to wrestle back the power we perceive we’ve lost, but how righteously hollow are we left feeling when we could have just let it go?