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What western psychologists call ‘narcissism’ Buddhists refer to as ‘self-cherishing.’ In each instance, this concept evolves out of incorrect views of the self. The harm of narcissistic tendencies arises when we view ourselves as permanent entities, the loss of which we fight at all costs. In doing so, often we overlook that we are not independent of those (and the reality) that surrounds us.
So what ends up happening? Our self-cherishing ends up being at the expense of others, and the wake of our relationships closely resembles a tornado. The destruction is everywhere… but hey, we’re happy.
And that is one of the surest signs of narcissistic behavior – when our happiness is always more important than, even though at the expense of, others. It’s as if we’re trying to reverse the lesson of Jesus – that to find our lives, we must lose them. Instead, we seek to find our lives by discarding relationships that cramp our style, slow us down, are a burden, and keep us from achieving the trite slogan of ‘be all you can be’… hmmm, maybe that Army commercial really has impacted the way we think. But then again, you’re risking your life by enlisting into such a philosophy!
It’s a sad but now grateful truth that once upon a time I crossed this bridge in my own journey. And the kicker of narcissism is that it makes it incredibly easy to convince yourself that you’re being ‘spiritual’ the entire time you’re being wrong-headed. And believing you are spiritual can make it tempting to believe that any and all other voices in your world are delusional, ill-informed or simply unable to see the spiritual reality of things on as high a level as you are.
Such thinking is merely a sleight of hand, however, substituting our idea of G-D or spirituality for permission to do whatever we want regardless of the consequences. This type of thinking allows us to follow our own path with complete blessings from ‘above’ – it’s yet another way of distracting us from facing reality.
If a person is to discover reality in such narcissistic head-trips, the evidence is everywhere evident – especially in their wake. In times of deep self-cherishing behavior, the only way to face the mirror is to first face the path of destruction we’ve generated and continue to create. It’s the only way to return – before the damage is too great – to sanity. Otherwise, we are doomed to exit the fog far too long after any chance for restored relationship(s) is possible. And picking up the pieces at that point is truly a humpty-dumpty moment.
Freedom without responsibility is ‘non-sense.’ It’s an illusion of independence that is not based in reality. It is an illusion that is loveless and destructive. And it is an illusion that will haunt us, in some ways, for the rest of our lives.
Each day awake to love. Awake to compassion for all people, places and things.
Awake to the truth that is you.
YOU are LOVE.
5 comments to “Narcissism: An Illusion at the Expense of the Real”
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Excellent, Tim. Cuts to the core of our propensity to deceive ourselves. If we wake up to the truth that we are Love Incarnated in infinite, unique ways, we can never behave like this, for we see ‘others’ as, well, More Of The Same.
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Tim, it is my conclusion that narcissism is a condition in which a person does not love themselves because more often than not, they were either not adequately loved themselves nor was a proper/balnaced “self love” modeled for them. I like what Thomas Moore has to say about narcissism in his book Care of the Soul. Here is a couple of quotes from his book for everyone’s consideration….
“The narcissist display of self-love is in itself a sign that he/she can’t find a way adequately to love themselves…The cure for narcissism, certainly a way of caring for the soul, is to be open to these other images…That is, other images of ourselves, our shadows, our needs, etc…What the narcissist does not understand is that the self-acceptance they crave can’t be forced or manufactured. It has to be discovered, in a place, more introverted than the usual haunts of the narcissist. One might say that the cure for narcissism is to move from love of self, which always has a hint of narcissism in it, to love of one’s deep soul. Or, to put it another way, narcissism breaking up invites us to expand the boundaries of who we think we are”
“Narcissism is a condition in which a person does not love themselves. This failure in love comes through as its opposite because the person tries so hard to find self acceptance….The self acceptance complex reveals itself in the all to obvious effort and exaggeration…We know instinctively that someone who talks about themselves all the time must not have a very strong sense of themselves…The narcissist has difficulty accepting compliments and praise, thinking that in this way they will be avoided the dreaded narcissism. False humility denies the ego the attention it craves, but the denial itself is narcissistic, since it is a negative focus on the ego rather than on the pleasurable possibilities of life….
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Great Blog! I enjoyed the definition of freedom. It brings up the idea that We should be centered in the Sacred Self, but not Self-Centered. You bring out the great difference between the two.
Tim, your message is a piercing truth! Thank you for unveiling, exposing and reminding us of the delusion that leads to a “use and discard” way of life….. which always results in layers and layers of destruction. May we all be emitting Love!