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This past summer I turned 50. 50! As I look at it on the page it makes me laugh – like somebody sauntered up to me at a party and without my knowing it stuck a ‘50’ sign on my back as a joke. And it is a joke. There’s no way I’m 50. I know the calendar says so, but my heart, mind and soul cannot seem to embrace that. I feel no more than 25 and, as my wife would probably protest, act no more than 10!
The one thing that causes me suspicion that I just might actually be 50 is the person I find myself to be today versus the one I know I used to be. Once upon a time I had so many more answers than I find I have now. Life carried a certainty and permanence that has long since departed. My religion, politics and overall philosophy for living holds little in common with those same spaces in which I lived in yester-year.
For a while as things evolved, or better yet, as ‘I’ evolved, I found myself embarrassed by the things I once held as truth – absolute non-negotiable truth – as I saw it. As such, I discovered that when I encountered folks on those same places of the path I once travelled, I was less, rather than more, empathic in my sharing with them. That’s a strange reaction, isn’t it?
I mean, you’d think that our encounter with those whose lives follow the same trajectory as our own would be people we would most understand, and therefore most love and accept. But I find that to be the opposite of my reaction. Often my response has been quick or harsh in responding to what they held as truth or value or deeper insight – as if they had no right to inhabit the same space I once inhabited, but instead must leap into the one I now find myself – like it or not.
What spurred these thoughts was my last post on conversation. I started thinking about what a crappy conversationalist I have been and, at times, continue to be… of how impatient and unloving I can be. Then I asked, ‘Why is that?’ And I think it’s because I don’t often respect my own journey. Lovingly I should be saying (and maybe you can relate this to yourself as well) to myself that ‘it’s okay, I forgive me for not knowing so many things in so many of my yesterdays; for being young, naïve, stubborn, et.al. I love, value and affirm the different stages I have lived in and the different pages I have lived on, for all of them serve me so well in the Present.’
Yeah. That seems right. That resonates with me.
I think by extending that understanding of the different stages and pages to myself I will be more likely to extend it to others. And in the end, I think that will make me a better conversationalist, and even more importantly, a better representative of the Divine that is within and yet beyond all things.
Thanks for letting me reflect.
Blessings.
12 comments to “Stages and Pages”
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If compassion doesn’t start with oneself, it doesn’t start …
WOW, Tim! Another keeper!
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You’ve been reading my journal. For the last 8 years, love has been the only goal on my radar. It was Jesus’ answer to what was the greatest commandment. And I have been stretched and challenged by it by loving different people, different cultures, different races, different religions, etc. But you have exposed the one group that I have absolutely the hardest time accepting. My own! I think it is driven by fear of rejection, a nasty disease that works against the “people pleasing” desire within.
But it has never dawned on me to start accepting my own journey. Actually I’ve tried to hide it. But fears about the future and regrets about the past are twin thieves that rob us of the present. I will look at it in this new light and see if I can overcome my rejection of my own people from whence I have come. Thanks for the admonishment Tim. But if this doesn’t work, I’ll want my money back:) -
Very insightful, Tim. Great post! I’ve found myself in the same thought wave before, wondering “how did I get into my 50′s so fast?”….learning to appreciate the journey that brought me here, yet at times, also being jarred by my own reaction to those stuck on places in the path where I once stood! As the saying goes: “You can’t pass on what you don’t possess”…so the grace we invite upon ourselves is there to be passed not only forward, but to the ones following behind. Paul wrote in 1 Cor. 8 that “Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies or builds up” …not meaning that knowledge is of little use, but that its highest purpose is best fulfilled when that knowledge is laminated in love. Great wisdom! So I realize that coming to more understanding is not for the purpose of setting up another new “camp” with “bouncers” at the gate determining who gets in or stays out, but for building a bridge that provides people like me (learners, explorers, & pioneers) a way to cross over, with as few obstacles as possible, into a new “wonder?-land”.
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Am I supposed to feel the same way at 41???
I am not sure if that is a good thing yet…anyways grey stuff. I wish I was ready to let go of my disgruntlement with the system that I was stuck in, not just a journey but a decieved adventure of sorts….as my friend would say”darn those bible gnomes”… -
How ironic, isn’t it. Sometimes when we become passionate about something, we lose the ability to be compassionate.
(Here’s my own Yogi-ism).
Too much of anything, even good things, isn’t a good thing.
The difficult task of living a full life is balance. Except LOVE. Can’t have too much of that.
We often hear “God IS Love” quoted. I can’t imagine how happy I would be if one day I could look at myself and say “Bob IS Love”. Not to mention everyone who knows me
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Patrick: LOL! I resemble that Bible-gnome remark!
Tim: Welcome to your Jubilee Year. I’ve got a wee bit less than 2 years ’til I join you (I swear I just turned 22, and was wondering what I’d be when I grew up … still wondering…!).
I’ve given fair notice to Mark that I’ll be celebrating my Jubilee Year ALL year. He has plenty of time in which to prepare.
It’s the year wherein all things return to the Original Owner. We each get to experience it when we wake up — regardless of the chronological number on the calendar.
I’m getting to where I don’t resent/regret/regurgitate what I’ve gone through to get here … it just takes what it takes. It’s my history … it’s led me to here. And here and now is all I have. I guess I would think it silly for a 7 year old to despise having been 6 … can’t be seven without that six-experience…!
And Tim — you wear 50 well…!
Much love – give yourself a big ol’ hug!
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Hindsight’s 20/20 – that’s why it’s called perfect vision. And who made it? God…so it can’t be that bad. That’s how we learn to “Stand Under”.
Blessings to you and your upcoming trip!
Alicia
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Yes Tim. Fifty is not always so nifty. :-0
Your reflections speak to me also, particularly when I had a recent, less than empathic emotional reaction to a McLean bible church pastor’s radio message. I’ve been learning more about him and the group to see a life trajectory that has many characteristics to all of us in our 50’s.
On your Friday’s post POWER OF CONVERSATION I posted the first draft of a response back to him, not quite clearly conscience of the disrespect I still sometimes have of my own journey, yet knowing that I could not just snipe back at him. Your reflections there and here are so pertinent!
Dena Brehm mentioned that she met and schmoozed with the pastor when she lived in the DC Baltimore area. She asked if I have sent any thought in reply back to him. I replied that I have not as yet, if actually needed as a part of a loving conversation. I’ve not discovered an open forum on facebook or yahoo with the group. I asked if, thru her extensive blogging and discussion participation, she is aware of an opportunity.
You’ve kept my hope up for conversation that is lovingly powerful in the time that love uses to act in.
Thanks, Carl
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Outstanding post and you speak for me as well — amazing how difficult it is to have patience for those who are in the very shoes we wore just a few years ago.
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Hey Tim isn’t life fantastic… seems I hit 50 around the same time as you, and it seems ’50 works the same way at the bottom of the globe as it does up over your way.
I note Bob’s comment above about passion and compassion in line with your similar sentiments – I’m finding the more I learn to listen to other’s passions the more the compassion that is within me is provoked to come out in ways I’d previously thought impossible; what a pleasant surprise.
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Tim, loved the post. You spoke so eloquently of my own experience. Not yet at the 50 mark…still go a few years to go…but…my have I evolved over the past couple of years. Several days ago I was pondering on the beginning of a huge transformation, which began intensely with the reading of Mark Siljander’s book “A Deadly Misunderstanding”. Call it being ripe or what, but I cried through the whole thing. It hit me like a ton of bricks that in all the years that I had been a Christian I was still basically the same person that I was when I first met Christ. Yes, I knew lots about God…but somehow didn’t have that kind of knowing that manifested in ‘love’ for others, least of all those of other faiths. Mark’s book was a real jolt for me. I repented and asked God to make me a loving person. Here I am today, no longer despising the rung on the ladder that helped get to this place. I had no idea it would be so amazing ‘loving others where they are’. It’s still hard at times, especially for those who still wear the shoes that I discarded such a short while back. Again, wonderful, wonderful post, and all the comments were amazing as well.
Namaste,
Joan“No place is so alive and so awake as the edge of becoming.”
Tim- I’m 64….no I’m not, yes I am…. Anyway, I can fully identify with one on this one. I really ought to put a disclaimer on my blog. I’m not sure how much of what I put there will be what I believe tomorrow. I go back and read what I wrote four or five years ago and sometimes get a good laugh. I hope I never “settle”. Always enjoy what you have to say.