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Developmental psychologists tell us that the process of separation or individuation occurs right around the age of two. This is the time when we begin to gradually recognize that we are separate from others (specifically our mothers) and that we have an existence uniquely our own.
The importance of this stage is seen in that it is a key time (and process) for developing our capacity to know love, relationship and intimacy. It is the time when children become capable of imagination and adept at the process of conceptual empathy. It is also the time we begin to experience some of the darker emotions of life such as envy, fear and hate – just think of the temper tantrums thrown by two year olds and what you’re observing is the angst of the individuation state at full throttle.
The process of individuation can be overwhelming, for sure. But even more so if the process goes awry because the child enters into a ‘stuck-state’ where she embraces the negative side of the process without experiencing the positive one. People who never fully or successfully navigate through this stage often struggle with self-image and are apt to respond to life via negative emotions. The outcome of most of their relationships is predictable and painful to behold, often making them appear as a portrait of instability.
Ideally children will successfully individuate by experiencing the opposite side of this state which is a realization of the forces of love and gratitude. When children begin to feel the love, affection and compassion their parents have for them, they gain a feeling of fullness – literally a reservoir from which they may drink fully as they learn to navigate life in a world of ‘otherness.’
What happens, however, when adults have unresolved issues from failing to navigate the individuation stage as a child? Especially if these unresolved issues cause them to focus on areas of ministry or service in order to help others salve their pain, all-the-while not owning up to the fact that their real motivation for helping others is the hope of discovering a cure for their own pain?
This problem is systemic and wide spread throughout the helping professions – nursing, clergy, counselors, social workers, etc. These industries are filled with people who are still, many years later, attempting to work through a process of individuation that was short-circuited at the earliest of developmental stages. And because of this, because of their neediness and inner bankruptcy they lack the necessary emotional wealth from which to draw upon in serving others. Too often after a period of giving, serving or self-sacrifice, they crash because they are drained and spent. They are feeling the fatigue of emotional poverty.
The result is they become angry, resentful, or spiritually abusive toward the very people they desire to serve. And even though their real anger is at themselves (although sometimes misplaced by blaming parents or God), the damage to others is deep and irrevocable.
So what’s the solution? How do we help people who want to help people when the reality is that they are hurt people who hurt people?
We’ll address that in part 2 – for now, we need to spend time reflecting on how much this hits home with us. We need to spend time reflecting on what motivates us to want to help or serve others, whether or not we expect something in return and question whether we’re motivated to help others because what we really desire most, is to help ourselves.
12 comments to “The ‘Helping’ Conundrum: Part 1”
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Superb post, Tim. Brilliant. That’s made me stop and think on so many levels, both for myself and those around me.
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Thanks Tim! A real eye-opener for me!! Can’t wait for your second installment!!
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Tim,
Have you read “How can I help?” by Ram Dass and Paul Gordman? This book has totally influenced how I view my motivation to help and has let me see where my ‘self” blocks my compassion.
Isn’t it funny when we think we are being selfless, but when we throughly analyze our motivations, it seems that there is always some kind of egoic or individualistic motivation. -
Tim,
I think you are right about the source of burnout and abuse in these service professions. However, I would argue that it isn’t the wounding or the being “stuck” in the individuation process, but the unconsciousness of those wounds, that leads to the destructiveness. Wounded healers – the ones that are aware – are often the most effective and the most empathic. No, we can’t use those we are trying to help to heal ourselves. But we CAN and should use our wounds as medicine for others. Sometimes the only way to reach someone who is hurting is through an empathy that only one’s own pain can bring. And a hearty yes to Miller’s book and agreement that it is indeed not for the faint of heart.
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I’m not on this group’s level, yet. Just trying to better understand. Are you saying there is a difference between an open door and knocking a hole in a wall and crawling through the hole to help people?
My experience is there are a few people who will notice the door is open and go through, most people either don’t see that the door is open or ignore that it is open and rarely have I seen anyone so wanting to help others that they knock a hole in the wall and crawl through hoping to help someone.
Then again, I’m probably self centered enough that I don’t pay any attention to see if anyone is going through any doors or holes.
As with everything in life, if I am understanding you correctly, the right motive for directing everything we do is what is most important. Wholesome love compared to a self-centered love is what is desirable, whether we realize it or not?
My wife and I recently encountered someone who seemed to us to be so concerned/loving that it seemed to be unnatural and I can remember thinking something must be wrong with her inside – I’m guessing that is what you are talking about.
If you have the time, maybe you can respond.
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Probably the biggest help to me was to see a mother raising her children very differently than I had been raised. She was raised in a similar fashion by her own parents. Watching her with her kids had a great effect on me. When I had a child I consciously made choices which led to parenting that, in effect, was as healing to me as it was a happy life for my child.
To understand what being in relationship with others is to translate love into word and action, and it can probably be learned in lots of different ways. I had great luck learning through parenting. So that even though I didn’t get that kind of parenting as a child, I still got to experience, as a parent with my child, love that translates from one stage of development to another (from pure being and innocence in infancy to gradual individuation afterward.) And in everything, I began to realize the potential of unconditional accepting each person’s unique ways.
~Katherine
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Katherine,
I appreciate your post. The helping profession is not a field of the walking wounded. Part of the problem is that these fields are short-staffed. I work many, many hours, but know when to say no. We are people that have new insights to our childhood and feel we can make a difference and break the cycle. I did not have the best set of examples to go by as a parent, but I can assure you that I listen to the patient and don’t put myself in a dysfunctional way and realize that every circumstance is different. It is not some vendetta against the way we were raised. Survivors–not victims. Yes there are some…but they are few and far between. Most people get the feeling of being smothered or overly enthusiastic and can sense that it is dysfunctional. Having healthy role models can indeed break the chain.
Alicia
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The beauty of this is that if you can confront your pain and hurt…and work through it…it DOES get better. You’re no longer working from the same premise, and you don’t need to “get” anything from anyone else. A great book, if you haven’t read it yet (and this is for everyone) is The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. Or any of Eckhart Tolle’s stuff. Or Byron Katie’s stuff.