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Yesterday I got an introductory message from a new FaceBook friend who recently came across the blog and found it to be an interesting place to ‘hang-out.’ In briefly relaying her story she mentioned that she had left the ‘church scene’ and now found herself dealing with loneliness and perhaps a sense of isolation.
I can relate. Though I’ve been out of the institutional grind for about 8 years now, I certainly remember how strange it felt the first few months of not attending anywhere. Not only was there a sense of loss but it was accompanied by a ‘now what?’ feeling that I couldn’t escape – ‘what do I do, should I start my own group, do I just sit around and watch TV, what about my old friends and how do I make new ones?’ And of course the ever-lingering question: ‘Is God disappointed in me?’
Because everybody’s situation is different there really isn’t a clear-cut way to give voice to such questions. At best I can only share my opinions and experiences and hope they help encourage others like my new friend.
One anchor for my dealing with life ‘post-church’ was adamantly hanging on to the belief that what was most needed was ‘time’ – give it time. After attending church three times a week for life, teaching class, preaching, doing special outreaches for singles and the divorced, there was no way I was going to make sense of what my new life would/should look like apart from just chilling out and seeing what (the Universe, G-D, life, Love) brought my way. I was realistic about it taking time, and for me, that was a very helpful way to reframe and gain the needed perspective regarding my new circumstances.
And sure enough, in time, I came to find great peace in the unbounded freedom I was discovering: Freedom of thought, creativity and imagination. In time I felt such an openness toward meeting new people, embracing strangers and folks I previously would have referred to as ‘the other.’ I found liberation in dropping my conversion mentality and prayed only for opportunities to serve and contribute to the lives of others – no matter how small or insignificant these opportunities were.
As time passed I realized the true meaning of integrity – which is when our thoughts, words and actions all align. Slowly it began to come clear how dis-integrated I was being immersed in a church culture that, in so many ways, just wasn’t where my head-space or heart-space really was. That’s a terrible place to be, isn’t it – in a place where you can’t really say what you believe or hope or dream because you know it isn’t ‘orthodox’?
Make no mistake, it takes time to go from studying the epistles to becoming a living walking/talking/loving epistle in all that you do. It doesn’t happen overnight. But it does happen. And when it happens you may (actually, you WILL) be surprised at how together you feel and how much more effective you are at reaching out to others with the love they so desperately desire.
Leaving church isn’t for everyone – there are some great communities out there I’d love to be a part of – but for now, anyway, that just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. I’m at peace with that. I’ve grown immensely because of it and moving forward feel no need to force the issue.
What used to be the ‘post-church-blues’ has now become life in the full presence of Presence – 24/7.
It’s a nice place to be.
26 comments to “The Post-Church Blues: Now What?”
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Hi Tim,
This is a very thoughtful, thought provoking and, instructive post. I have been post church twice in my life. The first time was from my twenties to my forties. Life’s circumstances brought me full circle and I came back to church, but in a different way than before. I came back as a rebel to a large degree, trying to change the institution from within. Talk about kicking against the pricks! No pun intended originally
… Anyway, in this particular post church expression, I find myself content and at peace and now after a few years, I am once again trying to make a difference, hopefully this time with a little more love and openness.I personally think that there is something special about walking with Christ by faith in the goodness and love of God, the universe, the divine. I am especially interested in expressing a view of atonement that demonstrates God’s love for humanity locked in the human experience and, the transcending effect that realization can have.
It is a tough line to walk. How do I show my openness to total inclusion without alienating those I would like to provoke to thought? And, when I reach out to evangelicals, how do I keep the other faiths and non church friends from seeing it as dogmatic and condemning? This is a challenge I have set for myself in 2010 and, I’m anxious to see what happens.
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We left the institutional church system in 1980. We started meeting in homes with others until 1995. By that time, we had become just as institutional in homes as we had in church, maybe even more so. When you are trying to replace something using the exact same premise as the thing you replace, you will end up in the same place…possibly worse. Ever read Animal Farm? The pigs became as bad or worse than the humans they were trying to replace. Love, inclusive love, the love that looks for the good in others, is the best starting point when “leaving church”. No more of the us vs. them mentality. We are all His.
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Good post. I shared at Homeschool Lounge where a “corporate church ” question is being discussed. Subscribed.
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I’m very lucky in that I’ve never felt I belonged at church and, because of being a churchgoer all of my young years, I didn’t belong anywhere else either due to the “be ye separate” maxim I believed. I’d have to say this overwhelming sense of, not just being on the fringe but, not feeling like I’m “anywhere” really and feeling lonely was a huge blessing to me. A blessing because it pushed me to find out just what was going on, what that was remained a mystery for long years.
The glimmer of hope I received came from the words and the company and the food of a Christian woman who was mother to a friend, and she was a surprise to me. It was pivotal to me to note that she was both in and of the world … that she seemed to feel that is the way Christians are meant to be. She was a light for me– who supposedly knew the light already. This lady spoke as though I knew as I scrambled to get it.
There’s way more to the process: I began to understand the important difference between Christian belief and Christian faith, which is HUGE, a giant leap in evolution that exists between hoping and knowing.
And so.. I’m thankful for being out of church for 20 years (from 25 to 45) and most happy of all to receive the good news as it was intended, to know that ALL are reconciled to God and that we are all made whole as live and learn to greater and greater joy(s).
~Katherine
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This post rocked me a bit. My wife and I have been out of place for a while at church, and have endured because her parents attend there as well (he was a minister for 30 years). We have three young children as well and I know my wife would like them to keep participating in some of the great programs.
But if it was purely up to me, I’d take some time off and see where it leads.
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Though highly toxic at times, the ‘church’ of my experience is not inherently evil or seeking to harm. Many are simply doing the best they can by grasping parts of Scripture while performing the “passover” on other parts.
I’ve been where you are regarding my kids. I think it’s helpful to keep asking them what they learned, how they view God, Jesus, etc. — and then gently lead them into considering other ways of looking at the same concepts/Scriptures, etc.
For me (and my kids are all grown and read this blog, so they can tell you if I’m b.s.’ing or not:-), it was more important for me that they learn ‘how’ to think rather than ‘what’ to think.
As they’ve grown, each has helped me see more of God than I would have seen on my own. And each has also helped me understand love, forgiveness, humor, joy, patience and many other wonderful life lessons.
Some of my best friends are pastors — I would never try to bring about change within their churches — when asked to speak/teach/preach, I just focus on where they are and try to help them navigate the difficulties life presents. I’m at peace with that. I no longer feel a need for others to see things as I do — I wouldn’t ask them to chew my gum so why would I ask they swallow my theology:-)
I’m sure you’re a blessing to many in that church and I affirm your presence there.
Blessings.
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Thank you, Tim! Right now our kids are very young but we are certainly doing what you suggested and broadening the discussions of God/faith with our kids.
Just the other day my 4yo and 7yo asked where God is, and were looking up expectantly. A few minutes later we were pointing all over the place and seeing God in the grass, the roads, and eventually each other.
Although I’m getting the sense that some of the judgment/hell/baptism/instrumental worship talks inevitably approaching will be as tricky as the birds and bees talk!
Grace and peace,
Michael
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Great post, Tim. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
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A helpful book, for those who are just beginning, or contemplating, “leaving the church” … Wayne Jacobson wrote a book a while ago, in novel format, called, “So You Don’t Want to go to Church Anymore. I actually saw a copy in our little Walmart (in an uber-churchy town!). Wayne is the guy who created the publishing house so Paul Young could publish “The Shack” (I know & love ‘em both – good guys).
It’s also free online: http://www.jakecolsen.com/contents.html
Scroll down to “table of contents” to read one chapter at a time. Very instrumental in my own journey …
Shalom, Dena
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Good post, Tim. I appreciate your integrity and primacy of conscience and return your love.
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Dena and I read the same books, read “So You Don’t Want to go to Church anymore” also. Left the IC two years ago, and haven’t looked back, though the church is our “next door neighbor” and can be seen from my front window.
It’s taking time to come out of the “Christian bubble” and really come alive. I’m now dealing with the fact that I only made friends because I was expected to have church friends.
The forcing of being with people you don’t have anything in common with, and just because you say you are brothers and sisters in Christ, is wrong!
Also it’s hard to make friends when you don’t find fun things to do at first. I’m learning all over again.
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You’ve likely heard it said … you can take the person out of the institution, but it takes a while longer to get the institution out of the person … been five years for me, and I’m still seeing SO much hangover to unlearn …
May you find people with whom to connect … expect the unexpected…!
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Tim, these two lines of yours:
~ it was more important for me that they learn ‘how’ to think rather than ‘what’ to think.
~ I no longer feel a need for others to see things as I do — I wouldn’t ask them to chew my gum so why would I ask they swallow my theology:-)
… are BRILLIANT! I shall thus copy and steal them!
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Andy said “I still really have not found that place where I can truly say I fit in.”
I agree with you to an extent, but I beginning to discover that the place that I “fit in” is my own skin; and the fit is perfect.
I am not saying that I do not feel the same way you do, but I am finally not desiring to ONLY find people like me because I have enough of me to deal with.LOL This has, as Tim already said, given me “such an openness toward meeting new people, embracing strangers and folks I previously would have referred to as ‘the other.” I am,instead, embracing the different Dave (myself), who can bring only himself to the table.
On another note, I think that we often view ourselves as a puzzle piece, trying to find the right part of the puzzle, so that (again) we fit in. This seems to motivate us to wander from religion to religion, denomination to denomination; every time thinking to ourselves, “This is it!” and this is also why after the honeymoon stage of this new way dies off, we wander to another, which can be the beginning of a vicious cycle. This, I believe, is a mistake because even if you could find your “right fit” as a piece of a big puzzle, you are now separated from the other pieces, surrounded only by a select few (kinda like the local church or denomination). Rather, I think we should maybe view ourselves as snow- flakes. No two snow flakes are the same, but they all belong together, coming from the same place and eventually ending up in the same place.
Our purpose, and destiny is not to “fit it” but, like a snow-flake: to land where you may, provide beauty for others to enjoy (from your very existence), melt, and thus cover the world with your nature or essence. That seems beautiful enough for me- at least for now.
I’ve never seen snow flakes fighting each other, they are too busy riding the wind and becoming one.
Boy, I get more weirder and weirder as the days go on.
Great post, Tim!
Everyone rocks!
David Lee -
Beautiful analogy, Dave…!
I always *knew* I was a flake … but now I know it’s OK!
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Such a timely post, Tim. Thanks for sharing such insight. And, I LOOOOOVE David Lee’s “snowflake” ideas…WOW!
I’ve traveled the “displaced feeling” road many of you have. And have struggled with the “what now” question. Personally,–for the moment, at least–my “post-church” focus is centered around II Cor. 5…God has given us the ministry of reconciliation, of letting people know of God’s acceptance of us all. I prayed for God to show me how to do that, expecting that I might be given opportunity to point out our “oneness” with one or more of my denominational friends. But, that God…He has such a sense of humor…he plopped a family from Bosnia down next door to me. They’re Muslim! We learned to love each other through expressions in the universal language (“food”…we exchanged dishes…I find all people speak “chocolate”). But in my last conversation with the young bride (about Christian/Muslim differences), we were able to discover that we both believe in one God and come from the same ancestor, Abraham (Ibrahim, to her). She seemed genuinely thrilled that we have more than chocolate in common. Me too! I now see us as 2 snowflakes riding the wind and becoming one. (Thanks, Dave! Like Dena, I’m stealing that one!!!) -
hi… I’m the one ‘hanging out’, and I have been so encouraged by all these posts from everyone. Thank you, Tim, for your Facebook friendship and this blog.
I’m saddened that my church ‘friends’ only seem to make contact to try and reel me back in. That they believe my crisis of church is a crisis of faith, and that the only look on their faces now is disapproval.
I went back to church at Christmas, because my goddaughter asked me to watch her play Mary in the Nativity. Other than her mum, and two other friends I see often who simply said ‘hello’ and smiled (God bless them both!), not one person welcomed me, hugged me, looked at me, asked after me… it felt so fake, those 11.5 yrs of ‘friendship’ and service and sacrifice and constant give-give-unappreciated-give mean nothing unless I continue to play by the rules and submit to their false theology that God values you by what you do for church.
I NEVER believed it when my husband told me he thought Christians were cliquey and he had never felt genuinely welcomed by them. I thought that was ‘his stuff’ and that once he converted he’d love them all and feel the warm fuzzies. They totally froze him out after he said he wasn’t sure what he believed – my pastor said he gives off an uninterested vibe and naturally people just don’t bother after a while (!) – and now they have no time for me either.
Still, my post-Christian, and non-Christian friends have made all the time in the world for us… what does that teach my husband about church, and Christians?!
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PS. Thank you Dave for the snowflakes – that makes me feel beautiful rather than a dirty heathen reject
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Hi Tim,
This is a awesome statement.
And sure enough, in time, I came to find great peace in the unbounded freedom I was discovering: Freedom of thought, creativity and imagination. In time I felt such an openness toward meeting new people, embracing strangers and folks I previously would have referred to as ‘the other.’ I found liberation in dropping my conversion mentality and prayed only for opportunities to serve and contribute to the lives of others – no matter how small or insignificant these opportunities were.I found the freedom to serve and contribute to others
when I was taken out of the context of the Church
telling me how free I was. I spent years desiring to
do something significant in the lives of others. It did not happen until I discovered the freedom to Love. Good and thought provoking.
I have learned “isolation” is a conditioned response, a state of mind I was programed into. -
Hey Tim!
We are rowing in the same boat. I haven’t been in a church for like a year or so. And I have found it so liberating. I see the the need for labels drop and the need to fulfill the christian ‘law’ and rhetoric part of my past time. it has allowed me to see people as valuable, not because I ‘should save them’, but because they are valuable. they also can evangelize me and teach me things i never knew. cool. would love to see if we could connect on Skype. It seems we have friends in common!!
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Interesting discussion. I’ve had the ‘leaving church’ experience four times in my life. Most recently after a 22 year stay. I’d have to say that the last 8 or 10 years felt to me like I was pretty much on my own, on the periphery, not really involved. In the last 5 years I attended seminary (for spiritual formation, not ordination) and that became my ‘church.’ During this past year my life and I left the church for another one that is more of a community for us, not institutional. I understand the need for many to leave particular churches, but I’m not very excited about the experience of being a loner. I haven’t seen much reason to trust feelings of liberation or growth (more than any other) from being on my own as reliable impressions pointing the way for me to follow Jesus.
Why is a ‘community’ centered around me and my own experience really better or truer than any other (aside from the fact that it may feel better or truer to me)? What’s my point of reference for how I’ve really grown? The Jesus of my individual experience, or the one who confronts me in the less controlled, less selectively interpreted environment of my church community? In what direction have I grown? Is that a good direction or does it just feel good to me? Who, other than me, thinks I’ve grown and does it matter? What does Love mean in a context in which we exercise so much individual freedom? Do we, or are we able, to be as suspicious of our own judgment as we are of that which we leave behind? “Leaving church” may be a necessity for many since for so many church as become toxic, but I think it will always remain a sad and unfortunate necessity in my mind; not what Jesus intended for us or the church (John 15:17).
Tim, thanks for putting to words what I have been feeling as well. I wish I could say I am at peace with where I am right now at this moment but I am not able to because I still feel somewhat out of my element, I still really have not found that place where I can truely say I fit in. I guess for me I still am going through withdrawals, maybe like the Isrealites of old at times I wish I was where I was before, does that make sense? But also I know that I couldn’t go back even if I wanted to, so I know that I must continue to go forward knowing that God understands where I have been and where I am headed. I just wish that I could get over my thoughts! Does that make any sense at all? Thanks Tim for all you do, You and Kevin have been truely a God send for Lauri and I.