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There is a simple yet profound truth that says, ‘we never know forgiveness until we are confronted with that which is unforgiveable.’
This principle made me search my memory bank for a time I might have been confronted with the unforgiveable and nonetheless chose to forgive. I guess I should consider myself blessed that I couldn’t find such an occasion.
Don’t get me wrong, it was easy to bring to mind how I had been wronged along life’s path. There have been broken friendships, strained relationships and toxic partnerships – all of which ‘I thought’ required forgiveness on my part – but would I really say that in all of that I came face-to-face with that which is/was unforgiveable?
Not really.
Most of what I considered to be moments of extending forgiveness were, in reality, only the equivalent of small acts of kindness – like when someone crosses in front of you as you’re seated at a crowded movie theatre and says, “excuse me.”
“Sure,” we reply. “No problem.”
Life can bring about some pretty challenging situations and I have no doubt that some of you reading this blog have in fact been confronted with the unforgiveable and yet somehow found a way to forgive. To me, you are a hero! I ‘hope’ I have that same fortitude within, but cannot say for sure.
I know people who have had to wrestle with how to respond to genocide and ethnic cleansing that claimed the lives of family members. I think of Yale professor Miraslov Volf and his story as told in his book, “Exclusion and Embrace.” I think of countless people in the present-day conflicts occurring in the Middle East, parts of Africa or South America – people who have held a dead child in their arms all because of a conflict they neither asked for nor desired to be associated with. And yet so many of them find a way to forgive.
For many of us (particularly in America) I think we should ponder the words of the Dali Lama regarding forgiveness in light of our journey. As I reflected on his words I began to discover that many of the times I ‘thought’ I had forgiven had probably not even come close to forgiveness – true, deep, systemic forgiveness – at best perhaps they qualified as polite pardons.
By reframing these events as being far from unforgiveable I also began to increase in compassion for a world challenged with horrors I will hopefully never know. It made me count my blessings and desire to redouble my efforts toward peace and reconciliation on behalf of others.
I pray it will happen. But even if it does, for many, it will be too late.
Can or will they find it in their heart to forgive? Unbelievably, many already have.
6 comments to “Why I’ve Never Forgiven”
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If I may contradict, I’d say we can never know what forgiveness is as long as we feel we are confronted by an act that is unforgiveable. Big difference. But it puts you closer to forgiveness than you were thinking, Post-C.
I also believe that I didn’t know what forgiveness was until I needed it desparately myself from someone who I feared might withold it – and yet found I had received it.
I think the Lord’s Prayer does 2 things here.
First, it puts our forgiveness of others in line with God’s forgiveness of ourselves. I think Jesus was implying that we don’t HAVE complete forgiveness until we have forgiven completely. This is controversial, but it is my current belief.
Second, it was our Lord’s genius, I think, that led him to make sure “his” prayer was prayed in the third person – - “Our Father …” etc. If we can’t think of anyone to personally forgive at the moment, we can forgive those who have done something to our larger group.
All in all, I would restate your simple truth like so: ‘we never know forgiveness until we are confronted with that which [we feel] is unforgiveable [and yet still manage to forgive].’
I like your blog very much!
-John A.
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Yes, Tim, I think that many already have forgiven or are doing their best to forgive. Those that have come face to face with worst atocities imaginable are obviously in a lot of pain. They eventually come to a point where they get tired of it and want to move on. At that point, most will dig…and dig.., and dig for an answer which usually comes to an empathetic understanding. Maybe not a “loving” one, but at least acceptance enough to move on and be at peace.
I think you are a hero too for being a peacemaker on others’ behalf. It would be a big consolation to a grieving family member to know that even though they were a victim someone is doing their best to make sure it doesn’t happen to someone else in the same way ever again…
Alicia
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What’s the Dali Lama quote about forgiveness you referred to?
I think if people could have what they want (or in many cases what they want at the time … goals change) without “bumping into others” then that’s what they’d do.
It’s a testament to our interconnectedness that we can’t avoid bumping into others IMO.
It’s very easy to see what people do as unreasonable but they know something about their own reasons, and the way people get through perpetuating atrocities is to tell themselves it’s unavoidable. And the fact that it’s unsustainable doesn’t even register on the radar.
IMO reasons for behaving callously are based on unfulfilled needs. The biggest need people feel they don’t require a reason for is defending themselves/those who belong to them and then (same thing really) ensuring the protection of the same.