Indian Buddhist teacher Shantideva wrote,

Although wishing to be rid of misery,

They run towards misery itself.

Although wishing to have happiness,

Like an enemy they ignorantly destroy it.

Shantideva is addressing those persons who believe that to find happiness, they must live ‘into’ themselves, versus ‘out of’ themselves. Most of us would simply label these people as narcissistic – people who are preoccupied with the self or who view life in a self-centered way.

At times, and in certain areas of our lives, I suppose we’re all guilty of this to some extent. However, those who are more compulsive about it are those under discussion in the quote above: They wish to be rid of their misery, but to salve their pain they turn to the very thing that increases it – they turn to the path of seeking their own protection, security, possessions or well-being. And doing so inevitably leads them to insecurity, loneliness and misery.

In contrast, when we approach the world through the ways of love, empathy and compassion for others, suddenly what comes flowing back to us is a river of happiness.

Jesus framed this as finding one’s life by losing it – in other words, life’s true meaning is to live out of ourselves; rather than seeking to gain, we seek to give; rather than seeking to pick and possess the lilies of the field, we instead learn to leave them be, let them live, and enjoy ‘as is.’ (Honey, get that vase out of here!)

This is love – to enjoy people and things where they are and as they are.

By seeking to extend empathy and compassion toward others, we are living into the tension of their lives and embracing them as they are. In essence we are saying, “I affirm your story, your situation, and your infinite worth – regardless of your situation; regardless of whether it makes ‘me’ feel uncomfortable, insecure, etc., I am here for you.”

When someone lives life believing they are empty and must be filled, they cannot have compassion for others because the plight of others makes them feel too threatened; it mirrors the very thing they believe will rob them of happiness – be it poverty, sickness, circumstance or loss.

On the other hand, the person who lives out of themselves realizes that by reaching out to people regardless of where they are along life’s journey, they are doing the very thing that will continue bringing them fullness, joy and contentment.

Today, observe the direction your life leans in search of happiness. Everybody wants the good life; they just don’t always know where to turn for such goodness. Try the paradox of the way of Jesus and see what happiness comes your way – live for out of yourself, for others – and then take note of how it makes you feel.

I’m thinking we’ll all be better for it!

So how do we recover? How do we avoid entering into such phases? How do we become living streams that flow into the souls of others who are existentially parched – without causing further damage to ourselves?

I think one of the most effective ways to procure and live out of our inner wealth is by clinging to the path of gratitude. Etymologists tell us that the word ‘grateful’ implies the feeling of fullness and thankfulness for all that is ‘great.’ Dr. Lorne Ladner writes, “As we think of others’ kindness and grow grateful, our feelings of fullness allow our compulsive desires and ego defenses to relax… cultivating gratitude helps us feel more connected to others and also helps us develop feelings of loving affection, compassion, and the wish to repay or pass on the kindness we’ve been shown.”

For me, cultivating gratitude is the essence of the spiritual life. When I reflect, deeply, upon all that has been given me – by friends, family, G-D, et.al. – immediately I begin to feel full. And this fullness, in the way I frame the story, is nothing less than the one Source of all life releasing within me.

With little reflection I can see how I have all the fullness of Life within me at all times. This is the fullness that was kind enough to birth me into a universe exploding with Presence – a source no less than Love – eternal, infinite, constant.

My gratitude, and therefore my inner wealth, explodes within as I recall all of life’s blessings – everywhere abundant. So abundant are these blessings that I understand how Jesus could say that we ought to pray for our enemies. My enemies are of the same Source as me. They are blessed. They are eternal. They are seeking the same abundant life which I seek. And I wish them nothing but fullness, love and peace.

And if you and I can get to the point of really owning what Jesus said about praying for our enemies, how far along will we be in extending our love and help toward those around us? We will be so filled with internal abundance and spiritual wealth that we’ll be nothing less than inner philanthropists, spreading love to all creation!

So, today, set aside some time to cultivate gratitude. Reflect on the kindness others have shown to you; meditate on the almost endless list of things for which you can be grateful – people, things, places, insights, experiences – and the list goes on.

And perhaps most of all, grasp hold of the abundance that is yours in recovering all that is coming your way that you don’t even yet know about… the ‘stuff’ that is, as the Good Book says, “beyond all you could ask or imagine”!

Life is good.

The importance of this stage is seen in that it is a key time (and process) for developing our capacity to know love, relationship and intimacy. It is the time when children become capable of imagination and adept at the process of conceptual empathy. It is also the time we begin to experience some of the darker emotions of life such as envy, fear and hate – just think of the temper tantrums thrown by two year olds and what you’re observing is the angst of the individuation state at full throttle.

The process of individuation can be overwhelming, for sure. But even more so if the process goes awry because the child enters into a ‘stuck-state’ where she embraces the negative side of the process without experiencing the positive one. People who never fully or successfully navigate through this stage often struggle with self-image and are apt to respond to life via negative emotions. The outcome of most of their relationships is predictable and painful to behold, often making them appear as a portrait of instability.

Ideally children will successfully individuate by experiencing the opposite side of this state which is a realization of the forces of love and gratitude. When children begin to feel the love, affection and compassion their parents have for them, they gain a feeling of fullness – literally a reservoir from which they may drink fully as they learn to navigate life in a world of ‘otherness.’

What happens, however, when adults have unresolved issues from failing to navigate the individuation stage as a child? Especially if these unresolved issues cause them to focus on areas of ministry or service in order to help others salve their pain, all-the-while not owning up to the fact that their real motivation for helping others is the hope of discovering a cure for their own pain?

This problem is systemic and wide spread throughout the helping professions – nursing, clergy, counselors, social workers, etc. These industries are filled with people who are still, many years later, attempting to work through a process of individuation that was short-circuited at the earliest of developmental stages. And because of this, because of their neediness and inner bankruptcy they lack the necessary emotional wealth from which to draw upon in serving others. Too often after a period of giving, serving or self-sacrifice, they crash because they are drained and spent. They are feeling the fatigue of emotional poverty.

The result is they become angry, resentful, or spiritually abusive toward the very people they desire to serve. And even though their real anger is at themselves (although sometimes misplaced by blaming parents or God), the damage to others is deep and irrevocable.

So what’s the solution? How do we help people who want to help people when the reality is that they are hurt people who hurt people?

We’ll address that in part 2 – for now, we need to spend time reflecting on how much this hits home with us. We need to spend time reflecting on what motivates us to want to help or serve others, whether or not we expect something in return and question whether we’re motivated to help others because what we really desire most, is to help ourselves.

So it’s surprising that years ago I actually willed myself to go see “Alien” starring Sigourney Weaver. To this day, that film is one of the scariest movies I’ve ever seen. For my money, it’s a classic. It has all the elements of a good sci-fi flick. There’s the deep darkness of outer space. You have powerful combat troops and high technology juxtaposed to vulnerable children including an adorable little girl named Nute who is just too cute to meet her demise at the hands/paws/claws of a slimy alien with what I imagine to be very bad breath.

Obviously movies like this are built on our innate fear and suspicion of what exactly might be lurking ‘out there,’ in galaxies beyond ours and beyond anything we’ve known or yet discovered. And, I suspect, Hollywood has not produced its last film in an attempt to capitalize on such fears.

Just think about it, could you imagine what would happen if a spaceship full of aliens actually did come to earth? Not only that, what would the collective governments of the world do in response to say, oh, the destruction of over 100 million of earths citizens by such an alien force?!

Do you think things would continue on as if nothing or very little had actually happened? Would the world’s governments continue their self-centered and geo-political shenanigans? Would it be business as usual? Would the U.N. produce a few more teeth-less sanctions regarding aliens complete with a letter of condemnation for such barbaric actions?

I think we know the answers to those questions – we might not know the specifics, but we know the answers – the entire planet would work together to stave off such an invasive assault. There would be no lines of demarcation between governments and people groups. There would be one world, one humankind acting in unison to defend itself against such a threat.

Well, here’s the bad news; the really scary news – 100 million of our citizens have been killed – just in the last century alone. Not by aliens from outer space, but by humans who collectively have acted out from the depths of a horribly desensitized inner space. And little by little it is this ‘inner space’ that is killing us and that almost certainly threatens our existence as a species.

And the really insane thing is this: the world goes on with business as usual, as if no emergency is at hand.

Meanwhile, children every bit as cute as Nute are in peril. Some are starving, some dying of diseases that are quite curable, others are being abused in ways you and I don’t even want to think about. And the part that should stir us to action is that this isn’t a movie that ends. It may not even be a reality that ends.

The world would be blessed if you and I spent more time thinking about these things, holding discussions on them, reading books like Brian McLaren’s Everything Must Change and playing a role in awakening our neighbors to the urgency of the moment. It can happen. You can be a part. Spread the word! Forward this post to others – think of four or five right now – send it. Let’s go viral for a movement of peace and oneness, of justice and charity. Let’s all begin reclaiming our ‘inner space’ – for Nute and the rest of the children.

Blessings.

When it comes to ‘peace songs,’ few are better – and so I wanted to share it with you in hopes that you, too, might be blessed by it. Perhaps this takes on added meaning as in a mere month I will be leaving to participate in a peace-summit in Amman Jordan. The thought of delivering a message to such a prestigious and diversified audience is daunting. I’ve already had the nightmare where, as I begin speaking, the audience starts walking out (yes, none of us are immune to such startling dreams).

Often before I speak, I like to have a song that I listen to on my iPod to get me in the right frame of mind. Before I speak in Amman, “Wind of Change” will be the song.

Some of the lyrics are:

The world is closing in

Did you ever think

We could be so close, like brothers?

The future’s in the air

Can feel it everywhere

Blowing with the wind of change

Chorus:

Take me to the magic of the moment

On a glory night

Where the children of tomorrow dream away

In the wind of change

Next time around the lines of the chorus are powerfully altered to say:

Take me to the magic of the moment

On a glory night

Where the children of tomorrow share their dreams

With you and me.

When you travel the world you meet such children. And since they often live in the midst of war-torn loss and poverty, their dreams are exactly what we and the rest of the world should be listening to.

Less political rhetoric; more wisdom from children. More dreams. More ‘winds of change.’

Peace everybody!